I don’t know if there’s any order that there will come out, but there’s a reason this one came out second. I feel a need to have an explanation for everything relating to my behavior,  I think we’ll revisit that one another day, but I do want to make it clear that everything we do is intentional. Your actions, your reasoning, your emotions, there’s a reason for all of it and I promise you can find the trauma, or maybe even just the moment that made you think that way. That’s a post for another day, let’s pick up where we left off.

If you read the previous post, I’m sure you have some questions. If that was how I acted in school and then I decided to become someone different entirely when I went into the military, how do we know that my dominant persona isn’t just an act? My trauma led to my dominant role, but it’s how I chose to deal with it that allowed that behavior to remain constant.

Believe it or not, I’m one of those “natural born leader” types, remember back to 5th grade when the bullying started? In 6th grade, I ran for class president and I won.. not because of leadership skills of anything, it was because I was funny. I put on a show for my speech and the school loved it. Being in a position of ‘authority’ felt like I was meant to be there.. until I found out that you can’t actually change recess times or anything fun, I was just a figure to run meetings and stuff, I couldn’t actually do anything. Still though, it was just enough to know that I enjoyed the role, especially after always being on the other end.

That wasn’t my reason though, I think it started during my parents divorce, I’ll skip over the boring parts and get straight to it. My dad was/is an alcoholic, not like a mean drunk or anything, but he cheated on my mom, and wasn’t much of a father figure that I can even remember, but that became even less after my sister, mom, and I moved out. At first it was okay, he’d take me and my sister out to dinner once in a while for the first year, we’d see him on birthdays and holidays for the first couple of years. Then the next few years, it was just holidays and birthdays. The next, birthday cards and maybe seeing him on Christmas, until finally, we just stopped hearing from him at all. The last few times my sister and I saw him, it wasn’t hard to tell that he was more interested in her. I don’t have a reason for it, and as as I know he never did anything inappropriate to her, but she had her own issues with him that didn’t need explaining.. I didn’t find that out until years later though.

As a boy growing up without a dad in a house with two women, being emasculated at school regularly, you’d think I’d be subby as fuck. I would too, but instead when my dad started to phase himself out, I started feeling like I was losing control. That word is going to come up a lot in future posts, and in this one. I felt like I was falling through the worst years of my life, reaching out for something, anything to help me gain control of my life. Funny thing is, when you’re the one losing control, it’s really hard to see that from the inside of all those clouded emotions. All I knew was that I hurt all the time, but I could never pinpoint why exactly.

I got cut from the basketball team in 8th grade. I was too short, everyone else hit puberty by then, I eventually grew, kind of. I stand at a tall and mighty 5’3 these days, somewhere around there, I don’t care enough to really measure myself. I took up wrestling instead of basketball, it was a solo sport where if you did well, you’d get recognized for your accomplishments.. another taste of something I could control. Too bad I got me ass beat for a few years, but during that time, everything was on me. If I fucked up, it was on me. No one had control over what was going on besides me and the other person on the mat. I improved quickly, but ended up dropping wrestling before I graduated high school. I took up cross country and track in high school, probably one of the shortest, fastest runners around and I made all-state a few times, won districts more than once, and they were technically team sports, but if you performed well, you’d be recognized individually as well. That, and I could control how fast I ran.

It took me years to realize what I was doing, and in those years, I found BDSM. To be honest, I found it through porn, and it became a norm to me. As I got older, I researched it. In my early 20’s, I became obsessed with it, my first experienced submissive was older than me. I was 23, her 31, and I learned more than I could’ve imagined. A bit about BDSM, but a lot more about people. I learned that her submissive kink stemmed from her childhood, I also probably should’ve learned that I was Demisexual then.. the intimacy of that dynamic was pretty deep, but she was also married, so at some point it did have to end. Her husband knew about me, this wasn’t cheating to any of the three of us. Their relationship would’ve been best described as an “open marriage,” maybe leaning towards polyamory in ways, but they both had needs that the other couldn’t fulfill naturally.. and so she found me.

That dynamic made me question a lot of things about my own role: Why did I love a power dynamic where I had all the control? I traced it back and discovered I was a Dom, even during the military, there were times I took control. The first time I got shot at, I didn’t freeze up, I knew what to do immediately and had to snap my squad leader out of his daze to ask if I could take up a position and return fire. I’m not the type to be overtly dominant, I don’t think I should have to show you, or prove to you that I am. Instead, I keep to myself. I’m a quiet person, but during any physical interaction with me, I promise you’ll feel it. I believe that eyes are one of the most beautiful features of the human body, and they can’t hide what they’re feeling. Eye contact is the first way you’ll feel it.

I am one of the most gentle people for being so rough. I’ll gently put a collar on you, play with your hair while you lay on my lap, and I absolutely love to cuddle. But when it’s time to be serious, you will feel the change. I don’t hide the emotions on my face, I have a maniacal grin when I’m planning something that I know you’ll love. I smirk constantly because I’m smug as fuck when I know I’m being clever, and when it’s time to be serious? You’ll feel that in eye contact and presence alone. I’ve been told I give off very specific energies in different situations, enough that you will feel it before I have to say anything.

…and I realize that I’ve drifted from my point, sorry, my ADHD has taken over, back to my first sub. Completely unprovoked and we had never spoken about this before, in the middle of a scene she “Daddy” in my ear. I felt it everywhere. Goosebumps, chills up my spine, it felt taboo, but I loved the way she said it. She told me later that she felt safe and protected with me, I would hold her close and share stories with her, but I was never vulnerable with her, because I knew that eventually, she would be gone..

I am protective by nature, the military helped and added to this, but I would die and kill for the people I love. The latter I have done in war, I was lucky enough to not have to experience the former. “The Ultimate Sacrifice” the military mentions multiple times. There’s stories I want to share about those, we’re nearing the anniversary of the day my buddy was killed, and though that may be a difficult one to write about… I want people to know what it was really like. I think I may tackle at least part of that story next. I don’t know if I can fit the whole thing into a single post.

I am dominant by nature, I take the lead when others don’t, I can find direction when there is none, and have been through enough in my life to earn the respect of most people when they get to know me. I know that if I earn a partner’s respect, it goes hand-in-hand with their submission, there cannot be one without the other. Not with me, at least. If I don’t earn your respect, there’ s no reason you should ever call me, “Daddy,” or “Sir,” or any other title. I earn everything in my life, and the things worth having are worth working for. The Daddy side is the caring and nurturing side, combined with the firm hand of a Dom. Protective, loving, emotional, thoughtful, wholesome. The control I lacked growing up, the uncomfortable years of falling through life, losing control, always reaching out for something, some constant that I could have. It showed me what my life was without it, how easily you could have everything slip away and no way to grab it and pull it back. You can’t control anyone else’s emotions, you can’t control whether people leave or stay in your life. All you can do it be the best person you can to them, be yourself, and hope that what they say is true. It’s very difficult to hide something behind your eyes, remember.

I found that control in my own behavior. The only constant that I could control, is my own behavior, until someone allows me that control in their life. For me, it is peaceful, fulfilling even to have a submissive. Often times my subs are the ones that have lost control, my presence is their constant. Some find their constant in the rules I set: bedtimes to make sure they get enough sleep, morning and night texts when times zones make it possible, sometimes further rules depending on the type of dynamic we have, but I will never aim to find another vanilla relationship. I don’t feel fulfilled when I don’t have a purpose. In Ddlg and Dom/sub dynamics, my purpose is clear. I feel needed, and when I feel needed by my little one, she’s all that matters.

The last part here before this is finished is one last thing about my dad because eventually, this will come up later on. After not seeing my dad for probably 4 years, I showed up on his doorstep to invite him to one of my home wrestling meets. He told me he’d come, and never showed up. I tried again the next year, one of my last races for track before I graduated.. he didn’t show up. He decided he was interested again though, when he found out that I joined the military. We met up once, even twice after I got out.. but I was heading back overseas to Iraq for security contracting then.. and most acquaintances forget about you if they can’t physically see you in-person, especially if the bond wasn’t that strong to begin with. People in my life, are there by choice, both mine and theirs. Over the course of 29 years of my life, my Dad showed me how interested he was in mine. We don’t speak, I barely acknowledge his existence, and I don’t relate him to any positive moments in my life because I don’t remember any with him. To me, he’s a stranger that has fucked me over one too many times. And one of the main reasons I don’t give second chances, at the beginning of this post I said that everything we do is intentional. You should me accountable for my behavior the same way I will hold you accountable for yours, because you can control it. You can control whether you pick up a phone and dial a number, so the more time that passes without that happening, especially when you’re a kid.. the more you feel unwanted. There’s a reason that person doesn’t want to talk to me.. why? That’s how my mind worked, and fuck did it hurt to hit the realization that my own Dad didn’t want me, but one day when he’s in his hospital bed at the end of his ‘journey,’ I’m sure the realization will hit him back. “My son doesn’t want me.”

Be a good person, what looks like to you is different than what it will be to me. But we can all agree that there is a baseline that all of humanity should follow. And here’s your takeaway if you’re thinking of having a kid. If you’re not going to help raise them and be involved in their life, then you’re too young to make that decision. Do not subject a child to trauma because you can’t handle the responsibility, I grew from mine, but others turn to methods when they can’t make that growth. They cope in their own way. Self-harming is incredibly common and it hurts me to see people with scars on their wrists and legs from things they probably couldn’t control in their lives.. the answer seems blindingly simple. If you can’t commit to it, then don’t fucking do it.

[ I generally remove the extra notes I used to write at the end of my posts because I think comments here would have less trolls in them than on social media, but I will leave this one.. ]

Do not defend my dad or make excuses for his behavior, I don’t want to hear them. I don’t care. This is written from my perspective and I’m sure there’s two sides to this story, but he’s made plenty of his own excuses that I don’t tolerate either. I will remove any comments that don’t adhere to this rule. I don’t write posts to slander or shit on anyone, I write truthful things that I have experienced, and I will write about peoples’ true behaviors, regardless of how it makes them look. I do the same for myself, because I would rather people know the truth and hate me, as compared to reading a lie and loving me for someone I’m not.

‘Til next time,

Cowboy